i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
