Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
