There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
