Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
