you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
