i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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