so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
