yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My balls are so social today.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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