First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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