Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize