I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
