If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
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