Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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