I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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