just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
honey bunches of taint.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
