our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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