It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
he told me I talked like a deaf person
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
