just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
