just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
