I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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