Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
