you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
