Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
