saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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