Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize