Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
