peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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