my sisters under your porch take her home
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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