Your face is a jimmy john
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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