im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i would punch a child for taco bell
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize