I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
