This girl is more easily done than said...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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