20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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