I just cut my nipple shaving
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
