So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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