You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
