I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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