woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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