I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
