He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
No subtext here. People are naked.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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