Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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