I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize