I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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