at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
