Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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