dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize