"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
