in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
