Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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