MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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