im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
