I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i think i scared a bird with my dick
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
