i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
