last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
