i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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