Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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