Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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