Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
